An Estranged Parent's Journey in Life & Death: Part VI - Lessons Learned

There are lessons to be learned from the death of an estranged parent. Here are some that come to mind:

1. Even if they remove themselves from your life ... you never forget them.
2. Whether or not they acknowledge your existence ... you remain their child.
3. Even if they tell you everything is taken care of ... insist on proof.
4. Remember what type of friends they had before they became estranged ... they rarely change.
5. Family has a right to bury an estranged parent ... it aids in closure.

During this ordeal, we found out that his "friends" had claimed to be his only living relatives at the morgue, rummaged through his home within 24 hours of his death, collected all of his personal papers and photographs, paid for his cremation and asked for reimbursement from his children (knowing full well the government was going to pay them back), lied about his having life insurance, and had the nerve to request his burial flag be given to them after it had been presented to our family in his honor.

Arthur Neal Watkins was survived by 5 children, 8 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren. The definition of all of these people is family.

As his immediate family we were fortunate enough for him to have been a military veteran. His twenty years in the Marine Corps afforded him a proper and fitting burial. My brother requested the VA put the following on his marker ...

Arthur Neal Watkins
August 26, 1932 - October 28, 2007
Vietnam Veteran
"A Man Proud To Have Served His Country"

Related Posts: Part I - Notification, Part II - Reactions, Part III - Discovery, Part IV - A Full Military Honors Ceremony,
Part V - The Ceremony & Update from Biloxi, Part VI - Lessons Learned

An Estranged Parent's Journey in Life & Death: Part V - The Ceremony & Update from Biloxi

My niece made the trip on Monday from her home to a town near Biloxi National Cemetery where her grandfather's memorial was to be held on the following day. She had the opportunity to meet with the woman that had befriended her grandfather prior to his passing in an effort to secure his personal effects and important papers.

They would meet again at the funeral home and make the journey together to the cemetery in the limo provided for family. As they arrived my niece was the first to step out of the limo and proceeded to a soldier who was assigned for the memorial service. She promptly advised him of her relationship to her grandfather (our father) and told him that she would be receiving the flag for our family. It will be the only thing we will have after his passing, the one thing we could be proud of, his years of service in the military.

My niece said the ceremony was beautiful, complete with a three gun salute, the gun shells being wrapped in the flag, and a tall handsome Marine in dress blues kneeling as he presented my niece with the flag while being accompanied by the sweet voice of a young serviceman who flawlessly sang "Amazing Grace." It was at that moment that my niece was overwhelmed with pride and honor evident by the tears which flowed gently down her face.

After the ceremony my niece was approached by the couple that had befriended my father and they requested the ceremonial flag that had been given to her. She respectfully replied, "No. I have received this flag for my family in honor of his memory and will deliver it to my father in NC who is his son." I am so thankful that she could be there, that someone represented our family. No matter how hard we may have tried to forget this man we could not, and though we weren't able to be there with her for this ceremony, it will make it easier to accomplish closure.

Thank you Livi!


Related Posts: Part I - Notification, Part II - Reactions, Part III - Discovery, Part IV - A Full Military Honors Ceremony,
Part V - The Ceremony & Update from Biloxi, Part VI - Lessons Learned

An Estranged Parent's Journey in Life & Death: Part IV - A Full Military Honors Ceremony

Today at 2:30 p.m. CST my natural father's remains will be placed in a vault at the National Cemetery in Biloxi, MS. Though my niece will be the only family member to be able to attend the ceremony our love and thoughts are with her as we remember our father. As we understand it, the ceremony will include a three gun salute and a presentation of the American flag which will be given to the next of kin. I hope to be able to break away from work at that time to quietly remember him and give thanks for my niece, my family, and loved ones, for our continued health, happiness, safety, and prosperity.


Related Posts: Part I - Notification, Part II - Reactions, Part III - Discovery, Part IV - A Full Military Honors Ceremony,
Part V - The Ceremony & Update from Biloxi, Part VI - Lessons Learned

An Estranged Parent's Journey in Life & Death: Part III - Discovery

This week has been an adventure in oddities in discovery after the death of our estranged father. We knew from discussions with him that he lived alone in a little town in Alabama in a trailer. That he was befriended by a married couple who lived in a nearby town. When I questioned him about having a will, and final arrangements in the event of his death, he simply said, "it's taken care of" and that the woman "will call you in the event of my death." Who was are these friends? How did they know him? How long had he known them?

What do we know about what his wishes were? According to the woman the only will he had was a living will, and that he had appointed her as the responsible party should she need to execute that will. She says he left no other will, had no insurance, and wanted to be cremated. These are all of the things she told me before my younger brother got involved. She had taken it upon herself to begin processing his affairs with no will appointing her executor. As far as I understand it, will or not his immediate family members have the right to process his affairs, to ensure resolution of debts with his resources, and to have closure by completing these tasks.

Within 24 hours we began to have some uneasy feelings about this woman's eagerness to help settle our father's affairs. It would turn out that this woman's stories were changing daily and after making a discovery of apparent fraud at the morgue, we decided to relieve her of her involvement in any further actions. After talking for nearly three hours my younger brother made the decision to do whatever it took for us to have closure and by week's end we had sent documentation of relationship and made arrangements for our father's cremation and military services. He is entitled to a full military honors ceremony as he was a retired Vietnam veteran. My brother will call this woman next week when we are sure of the date of his memorial service. She has mentioned that she and her family want to attend the ceremony.

At some point I want to address the issues involved in our decision to pursue assuming responsibility for his affairs, but for now we are still gathering the facts. We may never know her motives for lying to us, and to date we have not let on that we know what she did at the morgue, but there will be a time when we do. For now our concern is to lay him to rest and to resolve the other issues after his memorial. His death was considered service related as he retired with an injury with 100% disability after twenty years of service. I'd also like to share our journey in discovery of information, researching for necessary documents, and what we learned in order to protect a family's right to closure ... estranged or not!


Related Posts: Part I - Notification, Part II - Reactions, Part III - Discovery, Part IV - A Full Military Honors Ceremony,
Part V - The Ceremony & Update from Biloxi, Part VI - Lessons Learned

An Estranged Parent's Journey in Life & Death: Part II - Reactions

There are five children who survive my natural father; my four brothers and me. We each had our own reaction to the news of his death and each will grieve in our own way. Facts are that he was raised in an apparently dysfunctional family unit as a child, and as it often happens he carried forward that legacy. My older brother and I were probably the most effected by his lack of parenting skills. Like older children we went before our younger siblings enabling them to avoid some of the pitfalls that lay before them. I am sure they too suffered their own challenges with our father, but my hope is that my older brother and I took the brunt of the physical abuse away from their life's journey.

Though we all seemed to adjust to the estrangement of our father, the distance between us and the manner in which he parented us would greatly determine our reactions at his death. My older brother appears to have resolved to live his life as though our father were someone he once knew but had no connection with, so the news of his death was received as such. Two of my three younger brothers and I shared a sorrowful sentiment for his passing and I've yet to talk with my youngest brother. What of my reaction then?

As the only daughter it was harder for me to give up hope that one day he would "get it." During my twenties and after having two children of my own, I accepted him for who he was, forgave him and simply kept track of where he was to avoid hearing about his death weeks, months, or even years after the fact. Even though I had prepared myself for this eventuality, my reaction to the details of his death was much different than I had anticipated. It was far more painful to imagine him being involved in an accident cause by a massive heart attack on an interstate than to imagine him passing peacefully in his sleep. So my initial reaction was shock tempered with sorrow, for this man who aided in my existence.

I believe that we will all agree that the passing of our natural father will inspire us to appreciate each other more, encourage us to communicate more frequently, and strengthen our lives as we share in our joys and sorrows as a family.


Related Posts: Part I - Notification, Part II - Reactions, Part III - Discovery, Part IV - A Full Military Honors Ceremony,
Part V - The Ceremony & Update from Biloxi, Part VI - Lessons Learned

An Estranged Parent's Journey in Life & Death: Part I - Notification

We try our best to prepare ourselves for times like this, and yet when it happens we are often confused by its impact. On October 28th at approximately 10:30 p.m. Arthur Watkins was pronounced DOA after being transported to a local hospital in Alabama where he resided for several years. He had suffered a heart attack while driving home from Biloxi MS. Who was he? My estranged natural father.

He was born August 26, 1932 to Stanley & Mary Watkins and he had two siblings, Gene (his older brother) and Bobbie (his younger sister) all of which preceded him in death. He was a handsome man, 6'2" tall, thin build, with brown hair and blue eyes. He grew up in Roanoke Rapids, NC and would join the Marine Corps after his graduation from high school.

I am told, he had been married to a woman that did so with intentions to collect his combat pay should he not survive the war. Unfortunate for her, the military changed his orders and he never went on this tour of duty. Within two months the marriage was annulled. It wasn't long after that when he met my mother and they were married in August of 1953. They would have five children together, and after the divorce in 1975 their extended family would increase with the birth of eight grandchildren and two great-grandchildren. What a wonderfully large family.

The sad part is that Arthur Watkins would leave the area within 5 years of the divorce and remove himself for the most part from the lives of his five children and never enjoy his extended family. Though it seemed a blessing at times, there were moments for some of us when we wished he were the man we needed him to be, but he was who he was like it or not. So, how do you deal with the death of an immediate family member when they are estranged for more than 30 years of your life?


Related Posts: Part I - Notification, Part II - Reactions, Part III - Discovery, Part IV - A Full Military Honors Ceremony,
Part V - The Ceremony & Update from Biloxi, Part VI - Lessons Learned