Another One Bites the Dust

Here we are, the end of the month, and still no child support. Hmmm ... can we say repeat performance? What's different about this month from the others? Why is it what the ex always seems to miss a payment just about the time I am getting back on some sort of footing financially? Who the heck knows! I could be jumping the gun here a bit, after all I won't really know he has missed the month completely until I check my account next week. Sometimes when he pays it on or near the end of a month, it won't show up in my account until about 7 to 10 days later. So I'll wait to sing that ever popular tune ... "another one bites the dust, and another one's gone, another one's gone, another one bites the dust" bump, bump, bump, dadada da da!

Yeah :/

PS It's a good thing we got our Christmas bonus early on November 1st, it paid the rent, so "Merry Christmas" and thank goodness we have all our needs met this month in spite of the ex's absent behavior! Tomorrow is a new day :)

A Montage of Ben's Journey Home

Today my boss showed us all a montage that she had put together with the many photos of their newest addition to their family. His name is Benjamin, he is just over two years old, and he is the love of their lives! You can view the montage in a separate tab or window by clicking on the following image ...


Life surely has changed for this family, the transition is coming along, things are getting more routine, and Benjamin is so sweet! Welcome home Benjamin!

Seeking some advice and ideas ...

My boss and her husband adopted a child from Mexico this year; well really it's been in the works for some time now, actually since his birth. Theirs was just one of those cases where if there was something that could go wrong, it did. Well, finally after two and one half years they are a family. He is a beautiful little boy, full of wonder and fear all at the same time.

All of this is still so new to him, and even though his adoptive parents made trips to see him as he grew, the transition is proving to be an experience. We all have been learning Spanish in order to be able to speak to him as well as some of our clients. Try as we might though, it's not fluent enough to help ease his fears and make him feel like he is a part of things yet.

If any of you have ever adopted a child from another country, if you know of any techniques, or places to get help in making the transition easier, please leave a comment. I promise to pass it along, for Benjamin's sake, thanks!

An Estranged Parent's Journey in Life & Death: Part VI - Lessons Learned

There are lessons to be learned from the death of an estranged parent. Here are some that come to mind:

1. Even if they remove themselves from your life ... you never forget them.
2. Whether or not they acknowledge your existence ... you remain their child.
3. Even if they tell you everything is taken care of ... insist on proof.
4. Remember what type of friends they had before they became estranged ... they rarely change.
5. Family has a right to bury an estranged parent ... it aids in closure.

During this ordeal, we found out that his "friends" had claimed to be his only living relatives at the morgue, rummaged through his home within 24 hours of his death, collected all of his personal papers and photographs, paid for his cremation and asked for reimbursement from his children (knowing full well the government was going to pay them back), lied about his having life insurance, and had the nerve to request his burial flag be given to them after it had been presented to our family in his honor.

Arthur Neal Watkins was survived by 5 children, 8 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren. The definition of all of these people is family.

As his immediate family we were fortunate enough for him to have been a military veteran. His twenty years in the Marine Corps afforded him a proper and fitting burial. My brother requested the VA put the following on his marker ...

Arthur Neal Watkins
August 26, 1932 - October 28, 2007
Vietnam Veteran
"A Man Proud To Have Served His Country"

Related Posts: Part I - Notification, Part II - Reactions, Part III - Discovery, Part IV - A Full Military Honors Ceremony,
Part V - The Ceremony & Update from Biloxi, Part VI - Lessons Learned

An Estranged Parent's Journey in Life & Death: Part V - The Ceremony & Update from Biloxi

My niece made the trip on Monday from her home to a town near Biloxi National Cemetery where her grandfather's memorial was to be held on the following day. She had the opportunity to meet with the woman that had befriended her grandfather prior to his passing in an effort to secure his personal effects and important papers.

They would meet again at the funeral home and make the journey together to the cemetery in the limo provided for family. As they arrived my niece was the first to step out of the limo and proceeded to a soldier who was assigned for the memorial service. She promptly advised him of her relationship to her grandfather (our father) and told him that she would be receiving the flag for our family. It will be the only thing we will have after his passing, the one thing we could be proud of, his years of service in the military.

My niece said the ceremony was beautiful, complete with a three gun salute, the gun shells being wrapped in the flag, and a tall handsome Marine in dress blues kneeling as he presented my niece with the flag while being accompanied by the sweet voice of a young serviceman who flawlessly sang "Amazing Grace." It was at that moment that my niece was overwhelmed with pride and honor evident by the tears which flowed gently down her face.

After the ceremony my niece was approached by the couple that had befriended my father and they requested the ceremonial flag that had been given to her. She respectfully replied, "No. I have received this flag for my family in honor of his memory and will deliver it to my father in NC who is his son." I am so thankful that she could be there, that someone represented our family. No matter how hard we may have tried to forget this man we could not, and though we weren't able to be there with her for this ceremony, it will make it easier to accomplish closure.

Thank you Livi!


Related Posts: Part I - Notification, Part II - Reactions, Part III - Discovery, Part IV - A Full Military Honors Ceremony,
Part V - The Ceremony & Update from Biloxi, Part VI - Lessons Learned

An Estranged Parent's Journey in Life & Death: Part IV - A Full Military Honors Ceremony

Today at 2:30 p.m. CST my natural father's remains will be placed in a vault at the National Cemetery in Biloxi, MS. Though my niece will be the only family member to be able to attend the ceremony our love and thoughts are with her as we remember our father. As we understand it, the ceremony will include a three gun salute and a presentation of the American flag which will be given to the next of kin. I hope to be able to break away from work at that time to quietly remember him and give thanks for my niece, my family, and loved ones, for our continued health, happiness, safety, and prosperity.


Related Posts: Part I - Notification, Part II - Reactions, Part III - Discovery, Part IV - A Full Military Honors Ceremony,
Part V - The Ceremony & Update from Biloxi, Part VI - Lessons Learned

An Estranged Parent's Journey in Life & Death: Part III - Discovery

This week has been an adventure in oddities in discovery after the death of our estranged father. We knew from discussions with him that he lived alone in a little town in Alabama in a trailer. That he was befriended by a married couple who lived in a nearby town. When I questioned him about having a will, and final arrangements in the event of his death, he simply said, "it's taken care of" and that the woman "will call you in the event of my death." Who was are these friends? How did they know him? How long had he known them?

What do we know about what his wishes were? According to the woman the only will he had was a living will, and that he had appointed her as the responsible party should she need to execute that will. She says he left no other will, had no insurance, and wanted to be cremated. These are all of the things she told me before my younger brother got involved. She had taken it upon herself to begin processing his affairs with no will appointing her executor. As far as I understand it, will or not his immediate family members have the right to process his affairs, to ensure resolution of debts with his resources, and to have closure by completing these tasks.

Within 24 hours we began to have some uneasy feelings about this woman's eagerness to help settle our father's affairs. It would turn out that this woman's stories were changing daily and after making a discovery of apparent fraud at the morgue, we decided to relieve her of her involvement in any further actions. After talking for nearly three hours my younger brother made the decision to do whatever it took for us to have closure and by week's end we had sent documentation of relationship and made arrangements for our father's cremation and military services. He is entitled to a full military honors ceremony as he was a retired Vietnam veteran. My brother will call this woman next week when we are sure of the date of his memorial service. She has mentioned that she and her family want to attend the ceremony.

At some point I want to address the issues involved in our decision to pursue assuming responsibility for his affairs, but for now we are still gathering the facts. We may never know her motives for lying to us, and to date we have not let on that we know what she did at the morgue, but there will be a time when we do. For now our concern is to lay him to rest and to resolve the other issues after his memorial. His death was considered service related as he retired with an injury with 100% disability after twenty years of service. I'd also like to share our journey in discovery of information, researching for necessary documents, and what we learned in order to protect a family's right to closure ... estranged or not!


Related Posts: Part I - Notification, Part II - Reactions, Part III - Discovery, Part IV - A Full Military Honors Ceremony,
Part V - The Ceremony & Update from Biloxi, Part VI - Lessons Learned

An Estranged Parent's Journey in Life & Death: Part II - Reactions

There are five children who survive my natural father; my four brothers and me. We each had our own reaction to the news of his death and each will grieve in our own way. Facts are that he was raised in an apparently dysfunctional family unit as a child, and as it often happens he carried forward that legacy. My older brother and I were probably the most effected by his lack of parenting skills. Like older children we went before our younger siblings enabling them to avoid some of the pitfalls that lay before them. I am sure they too suffered their own challenges with our father, but my hope is that my older brother and I took the brunt of the physical abuse away from their life's journey.

Though we all seemed to adjust to the estrangement of our father, the distance between us and the manner in which he parented us would greatly determine our reactions at his death. My older brother appears to have resolved to live his life as though our father were someone he once knew but had no connection with, so the news of his death was received as such. Two of my three younger brothers and I shared a sorrowful sentiment for his passing and I've yet to talk with my youngest brother. What of my reaction then?

As the only daughter it was harder for me to give up hope that one day he would "get it." During my twenties and after having two children of my own, I accepted him for who he was, forgave him and simply kept track of where he was to avoid hearing about his death weeks, months, or even years after the fact. Even though I had prepared myself for this eventuality, my reaction to the details of his death was much different than I had anticipated. It was far more painful to imagine him being involved in an accident cause by a massive heart attack on an interstate than to imagine him passing peacefully in his sleep. So my initial reaction was shock tempered with sorrow, for this man who aided in my existence.

I believe that we will all agree that the passing of our natural father will inspire us to appreciate each other more, encourage us to communicate more frequently, and strengthen our lives as we share in our joys and sorrows as a family.


Related Posts: Part I - Notification, Part II - Reactions, Part III - Discovery, Part IV - A Full Military Honors Ceremony,
Part V - The Ceremony & Update from Biloxi, Part VI - Lessons Learned

An Estranged Parent's Journey in Life & Death: Part I - Notification

We try our best to prepare ourselves for times like this, and yet when it happens we are often confused by its impact. On October 28th at approximately 10:30 p.m. Arthur Watkins was pronounced DOA after being transported to a local hospital in Alabama where he resided for several years. He had suffered a heart attack while driving home from Biloxi MS. Who was he? My estranged natural father.

He was born August 26, 1932 to Stanley & Mary Watkins and he had two siblings, Gene (his older brother) and Bobbie (his younger sister) all of which preceded him in death. He was a handsome man, 6'2" tall, thin build, with brown hair and blue eyes. He grew up in Roanoke Rapids, NC and would join the Marine Corps after his graduation from high school.

I am told, he had been married to a woman that did so with intentions to collect his combat pay should he not survive the war. Unfortunate for her, the military changed his orders and he never went on this tour of duty. Within two months the marriage was annulled. It wasn't long after that when he met my mother and they were married in August of 1953. They would have five children together, and after the divorce in 1975 their extended family would increase with the birth of eight grandchildren and two great-grandchildren. What a wonderfully large family.

The sad part is that Arthur Watkins would leave the area within 5 years of the divorce and remove himself for the most part from the lives of his five children and never enjoy his extended family. Though it seemed a blessing at times, there were moments for some of us when we wished he were the man we needed him to be, but he was who he was like it or not. So, how do you deal with the death of an immediate family member when they are estranged for more than 30 years of your life?


Related Posts: Part I - Notification, Part II - Reactions, Part III - Discovery, Part IV - A Full Military Honors Ceremony,
Part V - The Ceremony & Update from Biloxi, Part VI - Lessons Learned

Will taking Britney's children from her help?

One wonders if this move will be successful in turning this young mother around. Even though she spent a month in drug rehab it proved not nearly enough to get her started in the right direction. I feel for her only to the extent that she lives under far greater scrutiny than most of us, however there are children involved and as a mother of five you worry about their safety. It's hard enough for parents who behave properly to protect their children 100% of the time, but how much more difficult is has to be for parents who are behaving improperly? Only time will tell if the decision to take the children from Britney was a productive one, we can hope for the best! Our best wishes for success Britney!

As I've often told my children's absent parent, when you love them, you will do whatever you have to in order to maintain a healthy, loving relationship with your children. After all, submitting to random drug tests and completing a parenting class is far less a consequence than others have received for similar behavior. So, if learning to be a better parent enables them to keep their children from harm's way, and fosters a healthy, loving relationship, then their efforts are worth every moment spent improving their skills.

How do you measure the good you are doing?

I've been married twice, and given birth to four children, two with each ex-husband. The marriages didn't survive for a number of reasons; from disrespect, poor judgment, continual deceit and drug abuse hidden behind the mask of religion, habitual procrastination, compulsive spending, tax evasion, mental, emotional and physical abuse of the entire family. I am not trying to place blame on my ex-husbands, after all I did choose to marry each of them, obviously poor judgment on my part. Our children are the best part of the unions.

Each marriage lasted over ten years and within each one there were many attempts to seek help to repair the wrongs. However, as with anything else in life it takes two willing partners to make it a successful attempt and a consistent effort to stay on track. Neither of my ex-husbands were willing to go the extra mile to correct their behavior to make our marriage last. So, in each case I chose to end the marriage for the safety of our children and my sanity.

But how do you measure the good you are doing when you attempt to hold the father of these children accountable for their actions? How do you, when they continue to exhibit the same old patterns? How do you protect the children without them developing a bitterness or anger, or an unrealistic image about the greatness of their absent parent? How can you trust your children with the one that disrespected everyone so badly both directly and indirectly, if those behaviors have not changed? How can you protect your children if you are unable to see what goes on, if and when they begin to visit one another again?

Both men we given visitation; one abused that right and the other utilized it after being forced to take the children for weekends. Eventually both men decided that it was easier to step back from their visitation. One gave it up all together, the other moved away. When we move to where we had family, the one returned to our previous home town. He missed four months of child support in what appeared to be a show of anger that we moved. Then after not calling on birthdays, holidays, missing child support payments and threatening to take custody of our children, the one father decided that it was too much trouble to be a co-parent. On the one hand, it seemed like a blessing, but it would prove to be a thorn in my side and emotionally upsetting for my children.

Even though I have encouraged my children to write their dad letters and share their feelings, he would not respond. Finally this summer, during Jenn's visit with her older sister, she got to see her dad after four years. My mom and I had talked about the possibility and then the girls and I talked about it. I even had a chat with the ex before the visit to encourage him to let her talk and to answer her questions with honesty. I am happy that she got to see him, and that she feels better about things.

My son was in VA last summer and even though they rode passed his fathers house, he had no interest in seeing him. He says he as gotten past the anger, that he has let it go and chooses not to have anything to do with his father. I am not sure a forced meeting will change his feelings about his father and he has decided that it is safer for him to experience his life without the instability of his fathers support. He has had many mentors since we moved here and has found their support adequate enough to meet his current needs.

What puzzles me about the visit with Jenn's dad; Lisa's step-dad, is how my eldest responded. Somehow she feels that as parents, we didn't do anything successfully enough, to caused this reunion to happen before now? This is all to familiar to me, after all I spent nearly twenty years combined trying to make things better in each marriage. It didn't work then and trying to have these men work with me on visitation has proven to be equally as frustrating. I hope that one day my children will understand just what I experienced with these men and the lengths I went to, to insure a safe and healthy home life for them. When you have done all you can do to make it work and you do not have a willing partner, it will make everyone miserable. Still, I am left wondering if my efforts to make things better for my children were in vain when I listen to their comments about what should have happened according to them. I do not know how Jenn is feeling about all of this but it is apparent that my eldest has a strong opinion about how it could have been better.

I wish I could help them to understand all I have done to make things happen for them where their fathers are concerned, what I have done to protect them, to make things better for them. It makes is difficult for them to understand when they forget how things were when we were all together. It's hard to get them to understand that it is impossible for someone who is not willing, to change their behavior. So you do what you have to, in order to protect your children. Someone once said that your past is a great predictor of your future. If you are a dead beat dad, a habitually absent absent parent, then chances are you will repeat the behavior again. If your ex-spouse wouldn't change their behavior in the face of professional and compassionate encouragement, then it might take a miracle to cause such change.

I pray that Jenn's heart is protected from further hurt, but only time will tell. My best encouragement for all of my children has been and will continue to be, love their fathers for who they are, forgive them for the stupid things they do and accept that if their behavior never changes, it is part of the fabric of who they are. To remember to let it go, for in doing so, they win and not the bad behavior and hurt caused by their fathers.

As for the absent father, the lawyers have stated that he needs to re-establish a relationship with his children. It would benefit the children if he could learn to put his differences aside and be a co-parent. Co-parenting is what the ex-husband and I both signed on for when we decided to have children. When did that or does that cease to exist? How will I know what good I have done where my children are concerned, when will I know that what I have done has made a positive impact on their lives?