Thursday, December 4, 2008

You Make the Call

If the absent parent is $10,239.00 in arrears with his child support, is not making his payments on a consistent timely basis, is not even attempting to make small payments to the arrears, should he send his child, whom he has had little to no contact with, a cell phone? Keep in mind, that a mobile phone, whether pay-as-you-go or one added to an existing plan, is an ongoing expense. Right? And if you are not currently paying the support needed for your child, does it make any sense to spend money monthly in order for the teen to have a luxury item?

I understand that a lot of teens have cell phones, but how many of them pay for their own, and how many have parents or someone else who have afforded them that privilege? I cannot afford that expense, and Jenn can't either since she is extremely involved at school with band, drivers education, and being an FFA officer. For some reason, she thinks that since her cousin down the street has had one for a long time now (in teen time a year is a long time) and he brother now has a cell phone, she should have one. Ryan lucked out for now. He has a friend who added him to their plan. It may not be the smartest move, and could flop should he not soon get a job.

As a single parent on a limited budget, I tend to watch what we spend money on as closely as possible. A cell for either of them is out of the question. There is no argument when it comes to my owning one since mine is paid for by my oldest daughter and her husband. She used to call me on my home phone and was running up her cell bill. Her husband suggested they combine their services and add me to their plan. This would keep their bill to a minimum and give her unlimited minutes to talk to me. Nice son-in-law!

In my opinion, if my ex-husband cannot pay his child support on a consistent timely basis, he shouldn't be sending gifts that someone else will have to maintain monetarily. A gift such as a watch, book, teddy bear, DVD movie, music CD, or something personal and not too expensive would be appropriate, and this would only seem natural if he were in their lives on a consistent basis. Since he is not, these types of gifts would be empty in value, and the phone would be an inappropriate to say the least.


Anonymous said...

You go girlfriend! How right you are! My immediate question is HOW in this sophisticated and knowledgeable country is this allowed to continue for so long? This man may be a father, but he is certainly NOT a dad--$10, 239. in arrears? little or no contact with his children? never making monthly payments on time? showing no respect for the mother of his children? If he did, YOU--as mom, would NOT have to work two jobs just to make ends meet!
Shame on our country--for not forcing deadbeat dads to help to pay what they owe to the children they wanted years ago! Can you imagine how these kids feel? Does our government even consider the disappointment in their hearts? Should it matter which state we live in? Wouldn't it make more sense if our states were truly UNITED when it comes to the well-being of our children?
A cell phone? How about making sure DAD knows his children have three good meals everyday? How about clothing? money needed for school activities? Is he a phonecall away when they don't feel well? when they need a role model? when they need an extra shoulder to lean on?
We as mothers, need to unite--to convince our government that charity begins at home--where the absent parent IS NOT--emotionally, physically, or monetarily.
Goldengoddess--thank God for you! You are a terrific mom! Not only do you pay for what your children need, but you are "there" for them always. You are a big part of their lives and they are so lucky to have you as their mom. YOU will reap the benefits in the future, as you watch your children become caring and responsible adults. They will someday look back on their lives and KNOW that YOU never gave up and were always on their side. I'm sure they will appreciate you and love you even more as they share their adult lives with you.
How sad that their "father" will have missed out on their formative years. "What goes around, comes around." He will someday realize that he has lost the love of the most important people in his life--but unfortunately-- it will be too late.

goldengoddess said...

Thank you for your kind words, SS! I am more fortunate than some, but nonetheless entitled to child support for OUR two children living with me. I like your comment about "the children they wanted years ago!" It's amazing yet sad, how those days quickly pass after a divorce! What ever happened to putting aside your differences and working together to help support your children, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and financially?

Oh wait, if he had done that (among other things) he might not now be my ex! NOT! Thank goodness I woke up! What's that old saying, a rose by any other name is still a rose? I'd have a different analogy for him I think!

What makes the situation more difficult is the way my ex has continued to include his gf; and her opinions, in our private conversations regarding OUR children while never talking to me at all. Seriously, he refuses talk to me about anything when it comes to OUR children.

In my opinion, his gf has no right to communicate her bias opinion to me, or to communicate directly with OUR children in a negative way about me, or to communicate explanations to them on his behalf. If he really wanted a relationship with them, he would have called more often than twice a year, written more than twice in five years, or come for a visit even once.

Again, thank you for your support, it means a lot! :)

AroundTheWayGirl said...

I had went through a similar situation with my 3 boys and their father. He would buy things here and there, but no support. The things that he would buy really had no impact on helping me raise them, go figure. He refused to pay child support because he said he wasn't paying for me to spend his money. I don't know what your relationship was like with your husband before the split, but with mine, he was controlling and him not paying support was another way of controlling me (because it was one of the only ways he had left). Needless to say, he forced my hand and I took him to court. Even with a court order he was refusing to pay until one day, his wages were garnished. It wasn't a route I wanted to go, but like I said, he forced my hand. Good luck to you :)

goldengoddess said...

Hi AroundTheWayGirl,

Unfortunately there are far too many men out there that act this way. My ex was not much different than yours. His life had been on a crash course for so long, that it seemed to me that he used controlling others to replace his inability to control his own destiny. Instead of making a positive difference for anyone else, he made everyone's life miserable. Even his own.

While I was still living near him in VA, he managed to pay support as long as I kept on him about it. Then when I moved to NC to be near my family for support, he skipped four months in a row, thus began the arrears. In five years he has now missed more than 17 months of child support. I was fortunate enough to get him into the system in both states, but he has since quit working for a paycheck in order to fly under the radar. So, I get what he feels like paying, and he pays before the system can come after him. He has a 90 day window between payments. It sucks.

Anyway, since this post, he has managed to pay one month. What I want to know is if he plans to pay this month's as well. Last month we got a bonus at work, but mine went to pay the rent since support didn't come in. If he pays another payment this month then I'll get to do what I wanted to for Christmas for my children. If not, we will continue to celebrate it the same way we do each year, being thankful for the things we have, and for having loving family around us.

I hope you and your family have a wonderful holiday season filled with love, laughter, and lots of joy. May you also have a great new year! Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your experience. :)